Poetry/Song Writing

Anyone else do this? As a musician I like writing songs, they're essentially poems too, so I included it with the title. If anyone shares the same hobby as me, feel free to put up some of your writings and feel free to give some constructive feedback. I really have no where else to put up my songs so I might as well. Newest full song, the top is the newest song.

What Am I?Breath in white light
I'm glowing
Hold it in
Our core is melting
Breath out black smoke
Seph, you're a meanie. D:<What Am I?
What Am I?Breath in white light
and I'm glowing
Hold it in
My core is burning
Breath out black smokeWhat Am I?
What Am I?
What Am I?Some people think that everything is just physical
They base it on proof
But the only proof we can perceive is physical, so, duh
Could you imagine if we couldn't explain life with science?
It just doesn't work
Everything is scienceMy hunch is that the metaphysical and physical, as mentioned
Could coexist as one event taking place in one dimension
Is equated in the other one with the limitation of space and time, one without;
Evil, hateThere's something magical
About being alive,
Being human
Even if our brains are just very very very very complicated equationsWhat Am I?
What Am I?
What Am I?
What Am I?Breath in white light
I'm glowing
Hold it in
Our core is melting
Breath out black smoke
I am cleansed
What Am I?

All This Culture is Spilling OverExhausted when I'm not at home,
Confused when I'm not alone.
Slow down the world for a clearer mind,
Cause the fast moving world makes the head gears grind.Prevention is way better than cure,
Cause whatever we create makes the world impure.
If it's bound to fail for everyone,
Atleast make a world where there is fun.All this culture's spilling over,
All our brains and our behavior.
Do this, do that,
Where is the bigger picture?
Oooh
It's hanging in my head.Dear mother nature I like to watch you in your sleep.
It's inevitable I will hurt you,
Maybe someday I will join your party.
Well it's just this culture spilling over,
It's just a part of everyone.It's destroying you
it makes me sad.
OoooohSurvive, survive
Provide, provide.
Formalities of nature collide,
But we shut up on nature anyway.
Oh, oh, oh.Survive, survive
Provide, provide.
Formalities of nature collide,
But we shut up on nature anyway.Survive, survive
Provide, provide.
Formalities of nature collide
but we shut up on nature everydayFear and hope are really so close,
What we could've done nobody knows.
So take pride in your humility.
The taste of life, infinity.Letting fear control what we do,
Too insecure to try something new.
I hope you break out and let loose.
OooohAll this culture's spilling over,
All our brains and our behavior.
Do this, do that,
Where is the bigger picture?
Oooh
It's hanging in my head.Just when culture's spilling.
Do this,
Do that.
Where is the bigger picture?
Hanging in my head.
I hope to be my own savior.For me-oh
For me-oh

I liked this one, finnally a topic from a respected member to where I could post some of my random thoughts...Mind if I post one as an example?My mind is out of wack
People tell me I need to see a quack
All I hear is a THWACK!
All the pain is in my back
They told me I was crazy and insane
They say I'm not to blame
But all the shame
Has kinda put me to fame
From chainsaws to blenders
To jokes and mind benders
I help those in need
And hurt those who bleed
My thoughts can be random
And no one belives in phatoms
But I know one day
What just mayBe my day...Ever since I saw some random poertry I've managed to put my utterly random thoughts into these-this is from the top of my head and is 88% accurate of my life oddly enough.Any good or can ya tell I made it on the spot ???

It could use some ambiguity. I don't think poetry does well with something incredibly specific. It just needs a general theme and the reader makes up what it's about.

Replying to #3

Hrm...prehaps I should stop basing them off this...[me=mds64]throws kids nursery ryme book away[/me]My life is random
I don't like fandom
Co-workers want me to drink
So they think they could link
I'm so cheap
I kept things from the heap
Prehaps I should stop to think
Before I take that leap
I love my lancer
It's also called a prancer
But it ain't no dancer
Prehaps closer to cancer?...That was another-I tried my best...but I have a feeling that I hit a block...prehaps I should post some of my old attempts at song writing-sure it's closer to heavy metal and the songs lost all meaning (when your in love..) but still-I spent days on those...

Getting there, try using less, they and I. You probably want other people to personalize the poem, they want the work to relate to them, using they and I a lot and specific situations and stuff like that makes it difficult for it to relate to the reader. You know where I'm getting at?I'm working at a new song, forgive the format.

QuestionsQuestions
Do bacteria, single cellular organisms sleep?
Does labelling something take away all the present effect on us, in whatever way it was meant to affect -- us?
Does the way you approach a situation count more, way more than the amount of energy you put into it?What exactly is happening when we are moved by real true art is it an energy shift?
When we look around at the people almost desperately seeking comfort are they truely happy, does happiness equal comfort?How different am I than a terminal cancer patient? We are both facing death, are we all terminal?
Is the all time biggest factor of love one shouldn't feel guilty? cause we love the other.Was it Aristotle or Socrates who said "Ask a man a question, make him think"?Did the big heads of cigarette make-ups, do companies take pride in their destruction, or do they ignore it?Is the phrase I like you more meaning than I love you?

It's not done yet but if anyone has a silly question or a remark, say it, I might add it. This song is only questions, it won't be finished until I get bored of it.

Hrm... more less they's and I's...I'll keep those in mind.As for your song...its not catchy yet...but prehaps more silly remarks could help..."Why must my asian hair be black?""Why do big brothers seem bigger than little brothers"?"Must school go on forever?""What does petrol smel like"?"When will I be as tall as you"?"Why must I ask so many questions"?These are (for refferance) questions me and my brother have asked at many different ages...Aren't we fun questioning our lives?
Sometimes it's annoying
Don't ya just want to go "spoing"!
When was life fun
when was it done?
All this monday to sunday
Became bum day to Satday?
Don';t we just want a fun day
intead we just got an say, ok?...I felt that didn't work for me...i had to restrict myself.

mds64Hrm... more less they's and I's...I'll keep those in mind.As for your song...its not catchy yet...but prehaps more silly remarks could help...These are (for refferance) questions me and my brother have asked at many different ages...Aren't we fun questioning our lives?
Sometimes it's annoying
Don't ya just want to go "spoing"!
When was life fun
when was it done?
All this monday to sunday
Became bum day to Satday?
Don';t we just want a fun day
intead we just got an say, ok?...I felt that didn't work for me...i had to restrict myself.

I'm not trying to make it really catchy or anything, it's basically an improvised song, I have no clue what I'm going to do on guitar for it. I'm probably going to only use acoustic for it though. I'll get my sister's boyfriend to sing it too, he has a nice voice.I'm working on a couple things at once, like an instrumental song, that's my first priority, I need to get my sister's boyfriend to help me work on it along with my sister and my hubby. I'll probably do that before continuing Questions.I think it worked, I find it entertaining for me to read and the last part is neat, metinks.

NatewlieI'm not trying to make it really catchy or anything, it's basically an improvised song, I have no clue what I'm going to do on guitar for it. I'm probably going to only use acoustic for it though. I'll get my sister's boyfriend to sing it too, he has a nice voice. I'm working on a couple things at once, like an instrumental song, that's my first priority, I need to get my sister's boyfriend to help me work on it along with my sister and my hubby.I think it worked, I find it entertaining for me to read and the last part is neat, metinks.

Hrm..I hope it works out, let me know if there is a finished version :)And did you mean my last attempt worked ???:)

Replying to #8

I'll probably put up the instrumental up sometime this weekend, depending if our recording equipment isn't being gay like it has been before. We also might record the first song I put up, I have the guitar parts worked out on it.Yes, the last four lines worked well and were entertaining to read.

NatewlieI'll probably put up the instrumental up sometime this weekend, depending if our recording equipment isn't being gay like it has been before.Yes, the last four lines worked well and were entertaining to read.

I just re-read those last 4 lines....It was random and not joined in anyway...so that is how poetry works...I might book mark this and work on my material :)And prehaps I should post my old song ideas when I get the time...And if your equipment goes spaz-give it a kick from me-devices fear me :P

Modern World (Wolf Parade Cover)
Cale H. - Vocals, drums, keys
Stephanie D. - Bass, concept
Me - Guitar, harmonies (I appear around 1:07 and around 1:26, Yay me!), mixingThe Moon, My Master
Cale H. - Keys, drums
Stephanie D. - Bass, drums
Me - Guitar, XylophoneThis Elevator Goes To The Eighth Floor
Cale H. - Keys, mixing, flute thing, concept
Stephanie D. - Bass
Me - Guitar, Xylophone, HarmonicaBy the way, Cale is my sister's boyfriend, and Stephanie is my sister. I'm obviously me.

[quote="Natewlie"][COLOR=Green]Cale H. - Keys, mixing, strange flute thing I don't remember the name of, concept
[/quote]Picolo?

Well, I must say this song was very well thought out and well worded. It was down to earth and to the point about man kind and how we act and quite true. Good luck with the finished song I'd love to hear it when it is ready!

ive been working on this song for a couple of hours,its not ready but i think its cool already
lol tell me guys what u think about it!!!
the song is called SERENETY PRAYERwaking up in the dawn
with tears streaming down my face
voices calling for me
cause in this world i have no placeGod give me what i need
Give me justice and forgive
Save me from this life
Give me youre hand my friendOhh give what i want
I just want to be free
wake me up from this hell
or give me eternal sleep

Wow. Poems you guys made are so good!
It's emotional and epic :)
Hope I can make a poem by myself :)

Natewlie · #3It could use some ambiguity. I don't think poetry does well with something incredibly specific. It just needs a general theme and the reader makes up what it's about.

Poetry isn't well with specifics. Songs though are definitely a different thing all together. Songs that are very specific with places, times and events happen to be more heartfelt. A poetic song ends up sounding like an anthem. Poems are worlds apart when you come to think of it.That's a lesson I learned the hard way.

Something from when I was still suicidal back in high school:Sunken GardenSifting through the distant memory
I yearn for your one last smile.
I seek for you but never do I find
Meaning fades as I cling to something I can not holdI struggle, being ambiguous of the truth
a mask veils that which I show outside.
Never hinting signs, or sigils
I lie as to how am II weep, yet I laugh
Only shedding tears when darkness & I
Hidden behind wandering eyes
yearning for you to comply.Sadly, you won't....And me, I bid adieu.